Trauma Response Shadow Work and Healing Strategies

(Originally posted March 15th 2025)

When we live through trauma, especially abuse, our bodies and minds react instinctively, trying to protect us in the best way they know how. You may have heard of the four trauma responses: fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.

It's important to remember that these aren’t choices we make consciously, they're primal and reflexive survival mechanisms embedded deep in us.

When we are forced into these responses over and over through either repeated abuse or through reliving abuse (ptsd), they don’t just help us in the moment, but start shaping who we become.

Let’s take the same abusive situation and explore how each response plays out so we understand what the 4 look like. Imagine a child being screamed at by an unpredictable, rage-filled parent.

The fight response kicks in when survival feels dependent upon resisting at all costs. This child might yell back, throw something, or refuse to be intimidated. They learn that power, anger, and control are their best defenses. As they grow, this can solidify into a personality that is quick to anger, always ready for a battle, and struggle to let their guard down.

The flight response pushes the child to escape, whether physically or mentally. They might run out of the house, hide in their room, or escape into books and after school activities. As an adult, they might always feel the need to "keep moving". This can look like constantly changing jobs, relationships, or cities because staying still feels like danger will catch up with us.

The freeze response locks the child in place. They dissociate, stare blankly, go silent and pretend this isn't happening until it's over. Their body goes rigid as their mind detaches. In adulthood, this can turn into emotional numbness, feeling stuck in life, or struggling to make decisions because deep down, action feels unsafe.

The fawn response teaches the child that the best way to survive is to please. They agree, they apologize even when they’ve done nothing wrong, they become hyper-attuned to the moods of others and develop a personal responsibility for keeping everyone balanced. As they grow up, they may struggle with boundaries and codependency, finding themselves drawn to people who take advantage of their kindness, feeling like love and safety must be earned.

Here’s the part people don’t talk about enough: the unique shame that comes with each these responses.

Those who had a fight response often carry shame for being "too angry," "too much," or "too aggressive." Society punishes anger, especially in certain identities, making them feel like their natural response to protect themselves was wrong.

Those who had a flight response might be ashamed of their fear, feeling weak or cowardly. They wonder why they couldn’t stay and stand up for themselves, haunted by the belief that running made them lesser.

Those who froze often feel ashamed of their blankness. Why couldn’t I say anything? Why did I just sit there? Why did I let it happen? They may punish themselves for what felt like passivity, even though it was their body’s way of keeping them safe.

And those who fawn may carry deep shame for loving someone who hurt them. How could I have cared for them? Why did I make excuses? Why did I keep going back? They may struggle with self-blame, wondering if their kindness was a flaw.

Over time, these layers of shame can shape who we become. They keep us from seeing things as they are, and instead seeing them as something we played a role in. If I hadn't done this, if I had only done that instead. When the reality is YOU couldn't have done anything different because YOU can't control anyone other than yourself, ESPECIALLY an abusive person ESPECIALLY your caregivers where the power dynamic is so skewed.

The fighter might bury their anger in self-destruction, getting into relationships with people they can control or who trigger them constantly. They may go the other direction and force themselves into a facade of calm, cutting off their emotions entirely.

The runner might build a life of constant movement, unable to settle anywhere or trust anything to last.

The frozen might shrink into a life of passivity and bedrot, struggling to see themselves as someone with agency.

The fawner might give away every last piece of themselves, feeling unworthy of love unless they are useful to someone.

So how do we heal?

If you carry shame for your fight response, remember that your anger was a form of protection. Righteous indignation is not the same thing as rage. It can fester into it if we don't put it down. You are not a bad person for standing up for yourself. The key is learning to let anger inform you, not control you. This turns it into fuel rather than fire.

If you carry shame for your flight response, know that running wasn’t weakness, it was primal survival. You can remind yourself that today you are the adult and you have made safety for yourself a priority. Don’t keep running forever, you are allowed to rest.

If you carry shame for your freeze response, understand that freezing wasn’t consent, nor stupidity. It wasn’t a failure, it was your body keeping you alive by allowing the spirit to detach. The way forward is reconnecting with yourself, finding your voice again, and knowing that initiation of action is possible.

If you carry shame for your fawn response, recognize that loving to survive is not something to be ashamed of. You are not weak for wanting connection, especially with your caregivers, and today you deserve connection that doesn’t cost you your self-worth. Learning to set boundaries isn’t selfish, it’s self-respect.

Healing isn’t about "undoing" these responses, but about making space for who you are beyond survival mode They are part of your past and a core part of your survival, but they don’t have to define you. They don’t have to be the unconscious script you live by. The script of your life should be based off CONSCIOUS decision making, not just the primal instincts that once kept you afloat.

The work is in learning new ways to feel safe, to trust yourself, to build a life that isn't filled with the need to fight, run, freeze, or fawn for.

The most important part? With conscious effort and mindful healing, you get to step into a version of yourself that isn't reacting to the past, but actively creating the future. You were never broken to begin with. You were surviving, and today it's time to THRIVE.