How to Deal With Insecure Leveling

(Originally posted March 17th 2025)

Have you ever shared good news, only for someone to immediately find a way to downplay it or twist the conversation back to themselves? Or maybe you’ve been doing well in life, only to notice someone trying to discredit you behind your back or bring up old mistakes from your past?

That’s called leveling, and it’s a social tactic insecure and manipulative people use to balance out a perceived (or real) power or status difference.

Leveling happens in two ways:

Puffing up: This is when someone exaggerates their own importance or success to seem equal (or superior) to you. If you accomplish something, they suddenly have to prove they’ve done something just as impressive, whether it’s true or not. They love to steal your spotlight!

Tearing down: This is when they undermine or discredit you to make sure you don’t “rise above” them. They might dismiss your success, minimize your skills, or spread negativity about you to others in an effort to bring you down to their level. They love to shatter your spotlight!

Why do people do this? At its core, leveling is driven by deep-seated insecurity and a lack of emotional awareness that turns toxic. Rather than celebrating others or working on their own growth, they manipulate the narrative to avoid facing their own inadequacies by distorting reality to soothe themselves.

They'll work at inflating their own image or dragging you down so they feel like they’re on equal ground.

My ex-sister-in-law was a classic leveler. No matter what I did she found a way to tear it down. I was just trying to exist and build a stable home, be a present and loving mother. Even when I extended kindness and tried to uplift her, she saw me as competition rather than support. Behind my back she spread nasty gossip and made backhanded comments about my parenting, my life, and my looks. She even attacked me physically at Christmas!

It didn’t matter that I was rooting for her and trying to help her and my niece. My existence alone made her feel insecure, and instead of growing, she chose to attack every chance she got.

So how do you deal with people like this without getting dragged into their emotional mess?

Stay centered. You don’t have to prove yourself to them. Their issue isn’t with you. It’s with themselves.

Resist the urge to correct or compete. They want a reaction. The best way to win is to not play.

Use neutrality as a shield. Respond with, “That’s interesting,” or “Good to know.” Don’t feed their drama.

Limit their access. If someone continuously tries to undermine you, stop giving them space in your life. Some people don’t deserve a seat at your table.

At the end of the day, levelers aren’t interested in real self-improvement. They don’t actually want to rise, they just don’t want you to either. Crab bucket mentality!

The best way to handle them? Keep growing. Keep succeeding. And refuse to shrink just to make them feel bigger.

Nothing you do will change how they feel about themselves, nor will it stop them from resenting your joy. So be unapologetically joyful anyway.