Have You Been Abusive? Open This One!

(Originally posted March 2nd 2025)

I spend a lot of time, energy, and love talking to survivors of abuse of every kind. We talk about it through various forms of healing surrounding releasing shame, shadow work, nervous system regulation, astrology, inner child work and so much more. I approach it from every angle I can so that, no matter where you’re at in your journey, you can take something from being here every time you visit.

But this post isn’t for survivors... This post has been sitting heavy on my mind for weeks. 𝗜 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗽𝗲𝗮𝗸 𝗱𝗶𝗿𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗹𝘆 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝗯𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲.

And I need to do it in a way that rarely, if ever, happens. Because conversations around abuse to the abusers either get ignored entirely or are met with full-throttle rage, a violent pendulum that does nothing but perpetuate the cycle to continue within them.

So without the lens of anger, I’m going to say this to you clearly and directly:

You're hurting people.

You know you're hurting people.

You're trading instant gratification for long term consequences.

Even if you’ve stopped the behaviors, you know there are people out there still carrying wounds from the choices you made. Maybe you had good intentions. Maybe you didn’t mean for things to spiral the way they did. But impact outweighs intention every time, and accountability matters more than whatever justification you’ve convinced yourself of.

No one is asking you to throw yourself at the feet of the people you’ve hurt and beg for their forgiveness. But some real accountability would be a great start.

"I did that, and I'm sorry. I denied it, and I shouldn't have. I need to own it, and I need to commit to doing better. You don’t have to be part of that process, but I owed you the truth."

Is that so impossible? Or are you afraid?

Afraid of legal ramifications? Afraid of social fallout? Afraid of facing yourself? Of facing the pain you've caused?

Because let’s be real here, running forever isn’t doing you any favors. Sitting in your own indignance, doubling down in stubbornness, pretending you’ve done nothing wrong? It doesn’t free you. It only prolongs the inevitable.

Don’t you crave genuine connection?

You know that wall you feel between you and other people? That distance you can’t seem to close, no matter how hard you try? That’s the weight of your own secrets. That’s the shame you refuse to face. And as long as you keep carrying it, you will never ever be free.

(Disclaimer: Statistically, cishet men are more likely to perpetuate abuse. But as an astrologer, most of my clients aren’t cishet men.)

Years ago, a woman came to me struggling to understand why her teenage sons hated her. Why she was still single despite being, in her words, "a catch." And listen, this woman was gorgeous. I cannot stress enough how incredibly conventionally beautiful she was.

But when I pulled up her chart, the problem was obvious. Lack of boundaries and violent aggression.

I had to sit with her and say:

"Ma’am, your sons hate you and your partners leave you because you keep beating them."

That session was deeply uncomfortable to deliver.. and to recieve I'm sure.

But that’s what accountability feels like. It’s uncomfortable, it’s gut-wrenching, it’s an ego death.

But it’s also the only way forward.

So if you see yourself in this post, you have a choice. You can keep running, keep justifying, keep avoiding. Or you can turn around, face it, and start making things right—not just for the people you’ve hurt, but for yourself.

Because you’re not free, either. And you never will be, not until you do the work.

It starts with the truth.

And hey, I get it. Most villain origin stories start out with a tragic backstory. I'm sure you're also carrying the weight of things you never got an apology for. But someone has to do better here. Someone has to have the integrity to say "I gotta put an end to this".